The razor-sharp claws of a roachie slashed down across my left shoulder. The Spokespigeon pecked the claw before flying away doing no damage to the monster. I fell to the stone floor, next to me was the ball-and-chain pigeon. I grabbed his chain tail swinging him over my head while getting to my feet then hurled him towards the roachie in front of me. He smashed through his head, dismembered pincers spinning through the air. I bolted through the gap running down the hallway. I hoped the pigeons would follow but they reveled in the chaos. Fifty yards ahead was a large intersection. Down the right path was a gang of ladybugs wearing roman togas.
Ladybug men. Level 4.
If you haven’t noticed yet, we’ve got a theme going: the sacking of Rome. Kind of like a certain planet that’s seen better days. And the bugs? Well, that’s you. Have fun squishing. Or being squished. The vaquilla de Dios! These critters were known for protecting farmer’s crops from pests and I’ve hotwired their little brains to you see as the invasive species.
I pulled the mase from my inventory holding down the button as hard as I could, knuckle turning white. A wall of orange spray shot before me as I waved it back and forth. The ladybug men grabbed their eyes hissing in pain.
As they convulsed, I saw beyond them. At the far end of the hallway was an Asian man with a hotdog cart selling hotdogs to NPCs. I didn’t have time to think about it.
Rushing back to the intersection I noticed another group of monsters down the other side of the hallway.
Barbarian roly-poly bugs. Level 3.
Big fans of Miley Cyrus, these adorable guys adorning leather armor and furs enjoy rolling into balls and bowling over their prey before eating them. They come in like a wrecking ball.
Behind me the ladybug men were getting to their feet, eyes squinting as they could barely see. I sprayed the barbarians with pepper spray too. When they curled into balls they couldn’t roll in a straight-line but were coming in my general direction swerving back and forth like a drunk driver whom couldn’t stay in a lane. To my left the pigeons were still amidst the roachies. A few stray gray feathers floated above the fray as pigeons zipped and dove through the masses pecking out eyes and trying to bite off fingers when given the chance. The pigeon with the metal wing sliced through a shoulder, green blood sprayed like a geyser. The two mobs approached me from both sides. I waited for them to get a little closer and ran back towards the roachies.
I barreled back into the chaos. Hitting over a one-eyed roachie I yelled, “retreat!”
In unison, the pigeons yelled, “never!”
“Strategic regrouping!”
“That’s coo.”
No sooner had we exited the mob then the two new groups of monsters trampled into the fight. I coated the mob of insects in pepper spray so no one could see. They roared, tore, swung, bit into whomever was closest. Destroying each other. A roly-poly barreled into the legs of a ladybug man with a load crack breaking bone. Three ladybug men pummeled a one-armed roachie with a flurry of fists. Seven roachies surrounded a rolling barbarian stopping his movement and jabbing with sharp claws, poking out his eyes, rending out pieces of flesh piece by piece. A monster slipped in blood then summarily had his head chopped right off. The one swinging the axe was quickly stabbed through the left shoulder by a spear. It was an eruption of snarls, clanging metal, and screams of pain.
New achievement! Race war!
Why bother fighting your own battles when it’s easier to get others to do the fighting for you. A little poking. A little prodding. A little antagonizing. And voila! You have yourself a race war so you can sit back and relax eating popcorn while watching others tear themselves apart. I don’t feel so bad destroying your civilization anymore.
Reward: Being a colonizer is reward enough.
A single roly-poly barbarian stood in the middle of the carnage screaming with bloodlust, flailing his edge-chipped axe above his head. The Morningstar pigeon shot at him bursting straight through his chest exploding with a sick crunching sound. He fell over, the last domino. The hallway was dead quiet. I had gone up to level 6.
Ivan then used the party chat.
Ivan: Captain Courageous just unfroze.