“If you want to live,” Cornelius said. “Do whatever you have to do to survive to floor 3. At 3, you can finally allocate all the points you receive from leveling up as well as pick a class and start developing your own niche style of fighting that best suits your abilities. Does anyone here have any loot boxes?” I raised my hand. So did Earl and a few others. “For those who didn’t raise their hand, the exit is over there, time to go back out to the dungeon and start earning your right to live. Safe rooms for sleep and eateries are scattered throughout the dungeon; you’ll see them as you explore. If you have loot boxes, please stay seated.” No one moved, everyone looked back and forth at each other, scared to be the first to move. Cornelius clapped one definitive thunderous clap, “get to it!”
Most of the room jumped to their feet and nervously filed out the door. It didn’t take long for the screams to start in the hallway. The door slammed shut. All was silent again.
“Okay, loot boxes. You’ll see in your inventory is a notification about loot boxes in the top right corner for the number of loot boxes you’re currently carrying. If you mentally click the number the boxes will explode into the room and you’ll receive items that will help you along your struggle.” A pause. Cornelius’ eyes went to the back of his head. “You five. My assistant manager says you only have one box. Click it.”
They did. The boxes cluttered to the floor.
“These look like they belong in the endless aisles of the warehouse in Indiana Jones,” said the glorious inventory man. “This AI is a jackass. Why did I just get an achievement for pointing out the obvious.” A ten second pause. “What the fuck. I just got another achievement for not having an internal monologue. What does that even mean?”
Cornelius ignored the commentary. The boxes, in unison opened ominously like the Ark in the Indiana Jones. Unfortunately, no one’s face melted. Cornelius stood up, casually pacing, holding his legal notepad. “Loot boxes are very important. They’ll provide various weapons, items, armor and upgrades to improve your survivability throughout the dungeon.”
“My bean counter loot box just gave me a magic bean,” said inventory man. “What does that even mean.”
“It means you should cherish your bean,” Cornelius said. “My guidance can only go so far. You know the saying, give a man fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.” A pause. “Sorry, the producers say that analogy is offensive. Hopefully you all get what I mean. It’s time to take your loot box advantages and head out to the dungeon. Don’t worry there are safe rooms, bathrooms, and eateries throughout if you need a reprieve. It’s all on the map I showed you how to use.”
Filled with confidence, they left. Earl, Ivan, and I were the last three in the room. We sat at the mostly abandoned table. Cornelius stared at a flickering incandescent bulb on the wall. “Okay, you three have multiple boxes. Mentally click the notification and open them. Our boxes exploded into the room. Cornelius casually tossed his notepad on the table in front of me focusing on my boxes. “Not bad.”
Legendary Wrong Place Right Time Loot Box [1/4]
Wings of Hermes
Potion of Distilled Speed x 3
Silver Why Did You Hear The Word ‘Dungeon’ And Rush To Be First In Line, Hopefully Your Therapist Makes It To The Dungeon As Well Because She’s Got A Lot Of Work To Do Here Loot Box. [2/4]
Neverending Pepper Spray
Legendary Pet Box [3/4]
Pet Biscuit x 500
Enhanced Pet Biscuits x 12
Gold Soulmates Loot Box [4/4]
Love Always Finds A Way Ring
Boxes open, next came the descriptions.
Wings of Hermes
Attach to feet or currently worn pair of shoes. Increases speed by +11. Additionally provides the temporary glide ability which allows the wearer to coast across any surface for 10 seconds in a really cool cinematic way. Seriously though, what the hell are feet wings? Not on a single planet have they evolved naturally.
Neverending Pepper Spray
The ultimate stranger danger repellent. It’ll never kill but, boy, will the recipient not be pleased.
Enhanced Pet Biscuit
So, it looks like a regular biscuit. It’s not.
Feed to your pet at your own risk. What’s the worst that can happen?
Love Always Finds A Way Ring
Ahhh, love. The rarest commodity in the dungeon. When worn upon your left ring finger this ring provides +50 to your speed and agility. BUT, only if your designated soulmate is wearing their ring too. Which provides him +50 to strength and constitution. Additionally, when both of you are wearing your ring, you will always know the other’s location.
“I’d attached those wings to your feet right away,” Cornelius said. I did.
Pulling one from my inventory, I held an enhanced pet biscuit. “What the hell is this? I asked? I don’t have a pet.” I threw the one biscuit to the pigeons. The pigeons dove in what I could only imagine as a piranha feeding frenzy.
“Uh oh,” Cornelius said.
“What?” I asked.
“Each pigeon was supposed to get its own biscuit.”
The pigeons devolved into a single blob. Slightly bubbling like a simmering pot of soup.
“That doesn’t look good,” I said.
“Nope,” Cornelius confirmed while we observed.
Then without warning, like the bubbling blob popped like kernels to popcorn, the pigeons popped back into individuality. Or so we thought.
“That’s coo,” they all said in unison.