New Achievement! Extreme apathy!
You’re unbothered by being thrown into a murder dungeon and coming face to face with aliens and monsters. Seriously, we’re measuring your heart rate and blood pressure, you didn’t spike a bit. What’s wrong with you?
Reward: One free therapy session with me, the AI, at a time of your choosing.
Holding the teacup with both hands I reveled in its warmth breathing deeply letting the fragrance overwhelm me in hopes of finding the eye in the storm.
My eyes were closed tight.
“You probably have a lot of questions.”
“I’ve been searching for the meaning of life for decades now. I always have a lot of questions.”
A hesitant silence.
“Well, my name is Cornelius. I’m here to help you.”
“Nice to meet you, Cornelius. I’m Carol.”
“Before I start answering questions though. They’ve assigned me to a huge population center. See that door in the back? It’s an auditorium. If you’d like you can go back there now and as Crawlers trickle in to the fill the room I’ll give the orientation. Don’t worry. Everything will make sense.”
“Cornelius. You’re a mothman.”
“Well, everything will make sense in the best way that anything makes sense in this world.” His antennae flicked. I don’t know what that meant.
“Unsatisfactorily?”
“You get it.”
He poured tea into a large to-go cup and handed it to me. I thanked him and went to the auditorium. It reminded me of Globe Theater where Shakespeare did most of his plays. A wooden stage was at the center with circling seating lining the room and a pit in the center for those unlucky enough to not find a seat squished into the standing room only section.
I went to the top second tier, all the way to the right and sat down. Alone in the empty theater.
I stared ahead into oblivion. Over the course of an hour others slowly trickled in until the space was packed. Oddly, even those pigeons found their way here roosting on the second story center railing jockeying for position. They would hit each other off the rail then the loser would flutter to a spot on the outside.
A man in a navy-blue Adidas tracksuit sat next to me. He fell into the seat staring forward, shellshocked. The right side of his face was covered in blood, but I didn’t see any wounds.
“Do you ever have revelations that the people you care about aren’t who you thought they were?” He asked.
“Classic Mendel’s hierarchy of need,” I said.
“What?”
“It’s a pyramid where…”
“Like a pyramid scheme?” he said cutting me off.
“I guess, depending on whether you think all of modern society is a pyramid scheme.”
“Amen.”
Ignoring his comment I continued. “Oh sorry, I meant Maslow’s hierarchy. Mendel was the green bean guy. Maslow categorizes human needs and desires with the needs being the foundation of the pyramid and the tip being the desires. So, at the bottom is things like food, water, shelter and at the top are things like morality, creativity, meaning.” I took a sip of tea; it’s warmth trickling down my ribs. “If someone is deprived of food, do you think they care much about morality?”
He wiped his face, seemingly surprised his hand came away smeared in blood. He looked more horrifying with the streak of blood down his right eye as if he just came from a war. “I would have fed them if they said they were hungry.”
Cornelius flew to the stage landing gracefully. The room fell to murmurs. He stood their patiently, waiting. Soon the theater died to silence. “Our administrators want to thank you for choosing the World Dungeon. You all have a lot of questions and I’m here to answer them. My intern -this is her first season after taking a deal- will be passing through you with a plate of cookies. Amelia, wave your hand. See, there she is folks, thank her when she comes around to you.” Amelia was a demon with leather wings and long curling horns. Her arms were cybernetic as if the originals were ripped off and replaced. Her face held no joy, not even a fake customer service smile.
A white screen dropped behind Cornelius and a projector turned on. “Ugh, a powerpoint presentation.” I admonished.
“A what?” Adidas man asked.
“A powerpoint.” I said gesturing at the screen.
“Oh, you mean a slide deck.”
The first slide showed the earth. “This is your pond.” Cornelius started. “This is you.” He said while going to the second slide of a goldfish. “Your species is very used to being a big fish in a little pond. But here is the ocean. With much bigger fish including our administrators.” The third slide was a zoomed-out picture of space; a black screen covered in dots with no pattern that represented a wide expanse of stars. The next slide was the Pillars of Creation. “The World Dungeon is your interview process to become part of the bigger picture.
“There are 18 floors. The further you get in the dungeon, the better chance you have of becoming a productive member of galactic society.”
Hands shot up across the room. Many faces stared already disillusioned, unable to comprehend. A white man with dirty dreads in a tie-dye shirt in the middle of the second floor crossed his arms smugly and said, “knew it,” loud enough for most people to hear.
The pigeons coo’ed and jostled for position but the one in the middle seemed to actually be paying attention.
Cornelius continued, “The dungeon is filled with monsters. Every floor they get progressively more deadly. As you kill your way through the dungeon you will level growing stronger with multiple stats you can attribute points to to enhance your own natural abilities. You’ll find clothes, armors, artifacts, jewelry with various benefits. You’ll develop special moves and learn spells. All these are tools available for your customization to ensure your own survival. If you make it to floor 3 you get to choose a class.” The room was silent, confused faces littered the audience weaving in and out of those still paralyzed in shock and despair. Cornelius scanned the room. Morale was low. “This is the most popular show in the entire galaxy. While you struggle to survive billions upon billions of viewers will be watching. If you’re competent, you’ll be bigger than any celebrity ever on earth.”
I’ll be famous?
Billions…
Ha! And uncle Pete said I didn’t have a face for TV.
Does that mean endorsement deals?
Adoring fans…
I always knew I was meant for big things.
I’ll be more popular than Jeff Goldblum in Earth Girls are Easy. In my experience though they’re not easy…
My life as a used car salesmen has been training me for this type of punishment.
Not again…
Yeah fuck the earth, I’ve always hated dolphins.